Dear DRAGony Aunt, I need help!

PLUG Magazine - Need help from Stephanie Slack
Need a fairy drag-mother to help you adult better? Stephanie Slack is here to help!

Looking for love in all the wrong places? Scared to come out to your colleagues? Hate the hideous outfit your friend always wears on a night out but don’t know how to tell him he looks like Big Bird had sex with a pug? In other words, need help?

Introducing reigning Pink Season Drag Competition winner, Queen Stephanie Slack! She’ll be dispensing her unique style of advice in a monthly ‘Agony Aunt’-style column (with the aid of her alter-ego, qualified Life Coach Steve).

First off Steph, congrats on your win at Pink Season’s ‘Out In The Open’ closing party!

Thank you darlings, thank you. Wasn’t the whole evening just fanny-tastic! Such amazing talent on display from all of the new Queens. Winning was such an honour, the judges were so lovely and the crowd was welcoming. And Sinitta, AMAZE! If only she had brought Simon Cowell with her too!

What can our readers expect from your advice?

Some home truths I hope. I’m here to listen, but not to pull any punches either. I’m honest, maybe a tiny bit bitchy, but in a truly loving way. I want to help people as much as possible, and with a little help from my life-coaching alter-ego Steve, I’m sure that together we have the skills to offer advice to those in need. (Scroll down for more on Steve.)

Thanks for kicking off this column with a love-themed Valentine’s Day special, any big plans?

Once upon a time I spent my Valentine’s Day with my Russian Boyfriend. He was so smooth and went down well. Mr Smirnoff he was called. Such wonderful fun on the 14th but left me gagging on the 15th singing “All By Myself”…

Nowadays, since I’ve tricked a man into marrying me, I spend the day baking heart-shaped cookies for him and he sniffs my rose… I’m quite a classy bird so I always like a nice bottle of chilled Lambrini with our candlelight KFC dinner. Bliss. Then early to bed on our inflatable mattress!

This year we have the added bonus of spending Valentines Day rehearsing for my Drag Family’s Show DragJam which is on Saturday the 16th. Should be an amazing night of love-related fun and giggles.

That sounds “fanny-tastic,” as you say! Now, let’s get to those letters!

Hi DRAGony Aunt,

I met somebody I really like, I find genuine romantic connections few and far between so this is special for me. We get on really well and I love spending time with her. The problem is… she is still involved with her ex. They are not romantically involved but they are very close and they hang out and do ‘couple stuff’ together. I am desperately trying to play it cool and be ‘easy breezy / live in the moment / I just want you for you and I am not bothered about the situation’ but it’s killing me inside as I am worried I am going to get hurt in the long run. 

I don’t want to give up on our unique connection, but I also don’t want to be ‘side b*tch’ in this. 

Help Me Steph!

‘Lost Lezza’

– – –

Darling Lost Lezza!

How wonderful to hear from you! I really am pleasantly surprised because I always presumed that lesbians mated for life and none of them were really single anymore. Shacked up with pussy cats and putting up IKEA furniture is what I imagined and yet here you are, a single lezza!

I think it’s very romantic that you are feeling special and that a nice bit of love has come your way. Everyone deserves love, some of us just need to search for it a little longer than others and it sounds like it’s found you from they way you are writing. That early stage of trying to play it cool and aloof. How nice.

But we have a little problem huh. She’s got another feline still hanging around the house. That’s a tricky one. I suppose in an ideal world the other pussycat would have left once she wasn’t being fed anymore. You say they aren’t scratching each others backs anymore, but are you sure? If you’re sure and you trust your kitty instincts then everything should be alright. You could also have a non-threatening, non-jealous, non-scratch-your-eyes-out conversation together just to check that no feelings are still there and that their “couple stuff” doesn’t include playing hide the cucumber. Just make sure to make you feel better.

You have a second problem, and this one I’m afraid is the killer. To give it a go and risk being hurt, or to run away and be safe. How are we to know hunny? You could find that this woman is the love of your life, a true soulmate or you could find that in 10 years you fall out of love again and maybe one or both hearts will get a little crushed. That’s life. That’s the game. You roll the dice and hopefully one day a nice pussycat will pop up for you and stay around for a while. Do we know how long that will last; no I’m afraid we don’t! You can ask if she’s worth the risk of being hurt, but also potentially having a good time too.

Certainly check to see if her previous relationship is all done and dusted and if it is, and you are interested and happy, then give her a whirl!

Lots of love,
Aunty Steph

Dear DRAGony Aunt,

I have recently ended a relationship. He was (still is) quite new to the city and gay life here. We are trying to remain friends, and I would like to help him continue to integrate into the community here. I don’t want to put pressure on him, but my worry is that he will become more reclusive now, and I truly don’t think that is good for him, long term. Should I just let him be for now?

Ugh, help!

– – –
Darling Ugh, Help!

Question: was he a good shag? If so, then stay with him! No no no, in all honesty, being new to a city is tough enough- homesickness, finding your way around, making new friends and then adding on being new to gay life…that’s a lot to handle. This sounds like quite a big deal for both of you.

I think you can certainly stay friends with him, offer support and advice, take him around the city and show him friendly affection. If he does become more reclusive, at least you tried and let him know that you are there for him if he wants you to be.

Don’t let him know that you’re worried about him. It might upset him. Just let him know you are there for him whenever he needs to you be.

Now about that name…sue your parents now!

Love and Kisses,
Aunty Steph!

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1 thought on “Dear DRAGony Aunt, I need help!

  1. Hey DRAGony Steph,

    This is “Ugh, help!” (I was named after my Granddad) with an update: since writing, the Ex and I have stayed friends, and he us socializing more (though not in LGBT circles just yet). He also re-downloaded Grindr (before I did, just saying). I’ll keep your advice in mind, cheers!

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